Half of Who I Am is All You Ever Wanted

Can you feel me?

I need you more today than I did yesterday

I know you feel it

I sense the distance it puts between us

In the same way that my strength draws you near

My frailty pushes you away

Tell me, then, who am I to turn to when I am in need?

Such a wretched enigma!

You love and respect the part of me that does not need your approval

While the part of me that craves your love and acceptance stands hated

At a time when a caustic remark would fly right off my shoulders

I am deemed worthy of your esteem

But when I am vulnerable

I become the object of your disdain

When I am in need of tenderness and compassion

You lie in wait for the woman who needs nothing and no one

To reappear

You admire her resilience

You take delight in her vitality

You love her when she is self-assured

Then leave her when she needs you most

Half of the person I am is all you ever wanted

-Ironically enough-

It is the half of me that can stand alone

This is the paradox

Of a maniacal disposition

And the reason I do not know if I will ever feel

Truly, wholly loved

By anyone

looking back and moving forward

as to my last post (from over a year ago)-- correction: it had actually been 2 years since i had started the blog and still only 17 posts. i have since come to the conclusion that looking for meaning in the world is a useless endeavor. my "purpose" is not determined by any outside source. it simply comes from within. in order to give our lives meaning, we must rediscover our own passions and then put forth effort to make them materialize. pretty simple, really. face-palm simple, in fact. but - hey - i may be slow, but at least i can be taught. i have a hunch that there are many who will "live" for many years, and die never having realized this truth...

no more

i started this blog just about a year ago. i have posted 17 times. this is typical of my life--loose ends everywhere. i have no drive, no focus, and no goals. i am at a loss to find meaning in anything anymore. what is the point, then, of carrying on, when i have no idea just what the hell it is i am supposed to be--or who i even am.

feeling "dissed"

disappointed, discombobulated, disconcerted, disconnected, discontented, discouraged, disenchanted, disenthralled, disentranced, disgruntled, disillusioned, disinterested, disjointed, dismayed, disorganized, displaced, displeased, disquieted, dissatisfied, distracted, distressed, disturbed

some days i just want to

disappear

the in between time

which way to go now??

10 years ago today a terrible tragedy took place. 2,977 people were killed by a terrorist attack, in the meantime, over 6,000 US troops have been killed because they were sent to fight wars that never should have been started. today, everyone wants to remember ("never forget!") the horrible event that gave GWB an excuse to wage unnecessary wars at the expense of our young men and women, and for what? imo, he is the biggest terrorist of them all and his legacy of terror remains operative. which brings to mind the questions, WHY?? and WTF is wrong with people that their brains do not comprehend the hypocrisy of our country's leaders??

well here it is over a year since my last post. the job is no more, i got fired. it's okay, there are plenty of other things i want to do with my life. now i just have to get over my own bad tendencies -- procrastination station :P