Monday, December 1, 2014

Sickness Unseen

Haven't felt this desperate in years.
I want to smash something.
I haven't wanted to break shit up for years--
a decade, at least.
Where is this coming from??
Such a fast and intense downward spiral.
I am breaking under the strain.
I am falling the fuck apart.
And nobody gets it, nobody really knows
how tortured my soul is right now
because I "present well"-- lucky me.
This disease is fucking killing me

I'm dying a silent death, to everyone but me.
Only I can hear the screams of anguish in my head.
But I can assure you, they are every bit as blood curdling
as any dying woman's cries...falling on deaf ears,
which I suppose is just as well
since there's no saving me.
My silent plea for relief that will never come, is choking me
and the frustration is so overwhelming I want to cry out.
I am not prone to violence or hurting myself-- but tonight...
I want to put my fist through the mirror just to watch it shatter, and to bleed.
At least, then, there would be an apparent cause for the pain,
a "justification" for hurting as badly as I am. right. now.

Like oozing blood where there is no injury,
my pain makes no sense to you
and so you shake your head in disbelief.
I get it. You don't get it.
If I was reeling in pain from cancer,
you would at least try to sympathize.
But instead you write it off--
it's not as as bad as I'm making it out to be
and, hell, I'm doing it to myself!
(AS IF anyone would WANT to feel this way!! for chrissake)
I'm being overly dramatic, unreasonable, emo
labels, meant to shame me for my "defect"--
labels that insinuate that I am exaggerating or just plain contriving a story
because you can't see the "evidence" of any other cause for it,

(and why the fuck would anyone pretend to have something wrong with them?? I realize there are some people who seem to find that kind of attention appealing-- but that sure as fuck ain't me!! Anyone who truly knows me, knows I don't want anyone feeling fucking sorry for me or thinking I need help from anyone!!)
No, I don't know what causes it. But I know it's fucking real.
Because I am hurting-- badly. This madness is truly insufferable.
Fuck your labels and your judgment of me

and fuck. this. fucking. pain.
Please, just make it go away.

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